I don't know why I came to Xanga today.  I wanted to catch up with my friends on here I suppose.  When I saw the Featured Grownups topic though, something inside me froze.  I hadn't realized it until that moment...  Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my assault.  One year since he desecrated my body.  One year since he cut me, stabbed me, and burned me.  One year since he raped and almost killed me.  One year since he broke my spirit.  One year since he robbed me of my self esteem, my security, and my trust.  One year since my life was, once again, shattered by him.

A part of me can't believe it.  Some days it feels like its been an eternity.  Other days I can still feel his hands around my throat and smell his cologne.  Looking back at the past year is not easy for me.  I have lost so many people this year... my beautiful sons, friends, family...  There has been so much tragedy.  Somehow through it all I feel like I lost myself.  A year ago I was confident and happy.  A year ago I goals and dreams.  A year ago I had an undeniable will to overcome my past and live life to the fullest.  I am not the same person I was before that night.  I do not know who I am.

I'm afraid to sleep.  He's in every shadow and outside every window.  Every noise I hear at night is him.  I'm so full of anger and sadness.  When I think about what I've lost and what I've become, the pain I feel is almost physical.  Some days I want to cry forever but I can't let the tears out.  I never want to cry again.  I hate my body and my mind.  More than anything I hate that he made me this person.  I feel as though I am empty of everything but a melange of abject emotions and excruciating memories.  I am revolting.  I am deplorable.  For ten hours he tortured me... he made me pray for death.  Sometimes I think that hurts me the most.  He stole my will to live.  He destroyed me physically, mentally... completely.  Again.

I am not who I used to be.  I will never be that person again, no matter how much I wish I could.  But for better or for worse, I will survive.

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I can't express my surprise at how many responses were left here.  Your encouraging words have moved me.  I don't feel that I deserve your support, but I thank you all for it.

I'm going to be away from Xanga for awhile.  I am in a place in my life where I do not have the energy to come here.

We found out we were pregnant again in early November of 2009.  I'd had my suspicions since October, but I didn't test until November 4th.  The first test came back positive, so on November 5th I took two more (both also positive).  At first I sat in the bathroom in shock.  Could we really be expecting #7?!?!  We hadn't planned on this happening for at least another ten years.  But the evidence in my hands and mothers intuition told me our plans were officially changed!  I'd estimated that I was around 10 weeks (it was actually closer to 11) so we scheduled an ultrasound for the following Monday and spent the weekend giving thanks for our new blessing.

Monday came and we were very excited to get our first look at our new baby.  We arrived fifteen minutes early and had to wait a half an hour, which made me even more anxious.  When we finally got back to the ultrasound room I could hardly sit still.  We both waited eagerly while the tech made small talk - I've had a good number of ultrasounds, and every one is still just as breathtaking as the last.  When we realized what we were looking at, our excitement turned to shock.  Not one baby, but two!  We walked out of the hospital in silence.  We'd joked about it being another set of multiples, but it hadn't really been a valid possibility in our minds!  We always thought our triplets were a very wonderful, one-time accident.  We sat in the car holding hands, just looking at one another and the ultrasound photo.  We were both quite literally speechless.  I couldn't help but cry a little.  I hugged John and told him I loved him so very much, but I was going to punch him, and he burst out laughing.  We spent a bit longer enjoying the moment together before we drove home.  John's mom was watching the kids for us and she was waiting anxiously at the door.  When John handed her the picture... I'll never forget the look on her face!  Her eyes got wide and her jaw dropped, we couldn't help but giggle.  We hugged and talked briefly, then went to show the ultrasound to the kids.

After that the pregnancy went very smoothly.  We found out we were having boys so all things blue and green began filling our home.  Onnika had to be moved to the smaller bedroom and hers was converted into the nursery.  Aside from a bit of spotting and placenta previa, we had no complications up until 24 weeks.  On February 8th I was having semi-strong contractions so I was observed overnight but sent home the next day.  The rest of the week was filled with sporadic contractions and two more hospital visits.  The following week, on February 16th I woke up with just a little discomfort but otherwise felt fine.  Around 5pm I was having contractions and bleeding, so we went to the hospital.  They thought that my water was leaking so they admitted me again for overnight observation and John slept on a cot.  It was around 1:00 in the morning when really strong contractions began.  They dosed me with magnesium sulfate and told us to try and go back to sleep.  Right!  We sat up talking for about two hours before I fell asleep again.  Around 5:40am on the 17th we were woken by the doctor.  He said that my blood work had come back and my white cell count was elevated, indicating the beginnings of an infection.  He advised me that they were going to induce labor to lower the risk to the twins.  I called our friend Trevvor to let him know they would be born sometime today - he is the Godfather of all our children and has photographed all their births.  He arrived at 6:25am looking very tired!

At 6:30am I was given Pitocin and tried to relax.  By seven I wasn't really feeling any contractions that I thought were effective.  I was breathing through them very well, yet felt that I wasn't making progress.  When they came to check me at 9:00am the boys were still sideways but I was dilated to 7 centimeters.  I couldn't believe it!  I hadn't thought anything was happening.  Things were progressing more rapidly than planned so the doctors decided it was time to put the boys in the right position for birth.  They took me to the operating room where multiples are delivered and completed a successful turn, then it was back to L&D.  We were all feeling exhausted at this point so John and Trevvor took naps and I tried to read a book.  I couldn't concentrate through the contractions so I opted for listening to music instead.  Our friends the Morris' came to visit around 10am which was great because it took my mind off the pain a little.  We talked and laughed a lot, it really helped me relax.  I was checked again at 11:05am and had progressed to 8.  I was really feeling the contractions by then - these were very severe but I was still able to breathe through them.  After about an hour and a half I was checked and I was already at 9.  She decided it was time to prepare.  One of the nurses woke John and Trevvor while I was wheeled back to the operating room and prepared for the real challenge.  I kept thinking about how scary the triplets birth had been and began praying for my sons.  The nurse checked me a final time - I was fully dilated to 10 and feeling extreme pressure so I started pushing.  I started counting and made it to 15 when Kristopher was out.  He came into the world with one heck of a scream.  They briefly let me see him before whisking him away, and then I had to work on pushing Levi out.  He was fairly high up and breech (due to the turning).  I only had to push about six times but it seemed like it took hours; I was afraid he might be stuck in the birth canal.  He was born eight minutes later and needed some breaths to get him stimulated.  It was a very intense wait and I was so relieved to finally hear him cry!  They were stabilized in the NICU and prepared to be flown to a hospital in Springfield.  It was absolutely nerve-racking but everything went smoothly.  I can't imagine if we'd had an emergency in mid-flight!

I'm happy to say for the most part they are doing well.  I don't think I mentioned that they are identical!  Little cuties :)  Kristopher has gained more weight than expected but he is still on a ventilator.  He has quite a little temper on him!  He is fairly alert and eating very well.  He had a few BP drops (none so far today) so they are running some tests on his heart.  Levi is on a ventilator too - on Thursday his lung collapsed and they did a chest drain.  It hasn't happened since which is very relieving!  Some specialists came in today and gave us their tentative opinions, but I don't want to say much until a diagnosis is confirmed.  I cannot say how thankful I am for our friends the Morris'.  They have been taking care of the kids and were kind enough to bring the kids to visit us on Thursday.  It was a very precious day, I cried a lot!  They were quite intrigued by Levi and Kristopher.  They got to reach in the incubators and hold the boys hands... it was beautiful :)  For the first time our entire family was in the same room together.  The triplets even got to meet two of the doctors that delivered them!  I wish so badly we could keep them here with us but for obvious reasons we can't.  Neither of us have family here.  Thankfully the hospital was nice enough to set us up in visitors rooms so we don't have to be far from the boys.  For the most part we sleep in the NICU room but it is nice to have a bed too.  While I'm on the topic, the staff here is absolutely wonderful.  They are so kind and are very good at what they do.  I am so grateful for all the great care our sons have received!  I'm also very moved by all the prayers for our family.  Many are from people who don't even know us!  Thank you everyone!

Alright, I can see that I've typed a lot already and I want to get back to the boys room so I will end this here.  I apologize for not being able to get up to date on everyone's blogs but I'm sure you understand!  I don't know when I'll be on next (I do post photos and updates on the boys on FB occasionally so if you want to get in touch with me, best to do it there), so I hope that you are all well now and until then.